Unhappy is one way to put it. Goalless another. Life's quite easy when what your supposed to do has been dictated by countless generations moving through the world in series with you. It's a shame that time is linear.
I love to run. Well, at least I thought I did. Lately it's become increasingly more difficult with each passing day to drag my lazy ass out the door and pound out the miles on the gravel path to infinity. I'm pretty sure the beer has a lot to do with it.... but that's not all: the motivation is all but lost. The illusion of a greater purpose is elusive when camaraderie and commiseration are just as absent. Four miles with only an iPod full of ancient music on a first generation 2GB nano unaltered since 2008 can only pique one's attention for so many days of choosing left or right. Even a dog, insistent on either one-stepping or dragging behind cannot instill the passionate pursuit of fitness that training with a team illuminates. And a rare relief from loneliness with the occasional running partner only conjures memories of a person only fleeting memories can recall. Every step I take begs the question, "Who am I now?"
Eight to five life sucks. It stunts personal growth, exploration. Thoughts of undertaking a new hobby or expanding my knowledge base are quickly supplanted by the ever-present feeling of exhaustion. Even David Foster Wallace can't open my eyes to the water all around me; that grocery store line will forever haunt my existence. So here I sit... struggling to find a meaning. And what's worse? I can't think of a better job to have. I can't imagine better friends. Hell, I can't even imagine a better family! What is it that makes me question if I chose the right pathway? Why do I constantly dwell on the past, hoping to relive even a second of my previous life in the hopes that maybe a small alteration will bring closure to my tormented world at present. If I've taken a billion steps in my life, there must have been at least a million pathways to chose from. My OCD brain can't deal with the fact that I haven't tread down each trail, climbed each hill, and exhausted each route to bring full closure to the mystery of the great forest of existence. But in this world, you can only read the maps to your best ability and tread in the direction you believe to be the right way... but to where?
