It's been so long since I've looked in the mirror and really thought about who I was, or how I want to define my life. Previous stages of my life simply melted together, faded quietly, or simply ended with a new beginning, but now as I the blinders are slowly being removed from my eyes, I can't really figure out how or what I'm supposed to feel. A concept larger than just losing running is dawning upon me; I am no longer an athlete. No doubt, countless others have dealt with this same realization, but instead of the injury filled frustration that has become my existence, they most likely have chosen to quit, embarking on life's bigger quests, such as college's laundry list of temptations. However, I've never been one to take the easy route, and my crutch and sole motivation in life has laid in the self-bettering pursuit of athletics. Nothing gives me more courage, more self-confidence, and more joy than training to the edge of exhaustion and pushing my body through limits only few have experienced. I love what I do, and being an athlete is who I am. Well, it was...
Now I am deprived of the only thing I truly loved. I can't run. I can't get into shape. I can't stay motivated, as the goal of becoming an all big twelve athlete is becoming almost invisible, clouded in a fog of bad luck and unfortunate occurrences. The dream is elusive, and bordering on impossible. Yet still I yearn for the day when a 14 mile run was possible, and every day it eats away at my soul, bit by bit, and only a true runner can understand the final outcome of perpetual steps in one direction. Just as the bits of rubber slowly eroded from the soles of the 70 mile a week runner I once was, the bits of desire and motivation are being eroded from my brain. Day by day, setback by setback. I hate the fact that one day I will have lost the determination to be a runner, and on that day I fear I will lack the motivation to do anything else.
I fear the inevitable is closer than ever, and I want to fight it. I make lists of weight lifting routines, swimming and biking schedules,... hell my background on my computer right now is a comeback schedule for running. However, it only seems to take a day or two for me to deviate from my lists. I can't follow along. I can't push myself. I don't have a reason anymore.
It's so sad to admit that I hate the person I am, but the worst part is I have no way to escape this imprisonment. I see what I want to be, I see how to do it, and then as soon as a window of opportunity is open and the goal seems obtainable, an obstacle emerges to knock me back down to ground zero. I've been so close so many times, but now I'm further away than ever. I can't help but ask the question, "Is it worth it,...again."
But I'm not totally done yet. Giving up doesn't come easily. I just need some warm weather to reenergize my agonizing bones. I want to be a runner. I am one at heart.
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